Happy Christmas

Christmas time is over, the tree is put away, the new clothing has been washed and put into service and the remnants of Christmas meals and cookies are being eaten as fast as possible before they spoil. Old friends have been visited and/or called with the news of their children still fresh in our minds. It's a time for reflection and hope that the New Year will bring Happy Times for all our loved ones.

It was an exhausting ordeal with shopping and cooking and wrapping and trimming and decorating, but now that it's all over, and we go back to the grind of our daily lives... don't you kind of, sort of wish it wasn't over. Life goes on, though, so it's another year older, another year wiser, another year to wish and hope and dream. Happy New Year !

It's Beginning to look A LOT like Christmas...

Today is the 18th of December in Las Vegas and, for some strange reason, there's white, cold "flake" like things falling from the sky. Someone told me it's called "Snow". Well, out here in the desert, among the cactus and yucca trees, this seems odd, and somewhat pretty. Now it's wet, in the mid 30's and there's almost 10 inches of it. Who's gonna clean this up... it's a mess ?

This Is Brilliant !

One of my friends, a Dance Instructor, Daughter of a High School English Teacher, sent me this. It's Brilliant ! The speaker VERY eloquently explains some of the major problems with our education system, and by example, describes most of my closest friends. This is why creative people are so Odd.

Keeping in mind that I only sent this to my "Creative" friends, I hope you will appreciate the compliment of being called "Odd" once you've watched it. It's a 20 minute speaker at a conference called "TED2006" (Technology, Entertainment, Design), an invitation-only event where the world's leading thinkers and doers gather to find inspiration. (I've never heard of it either.) The speaker is very entertaining and well spoken, worthy of 20 minutes of your time. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iG9CE55wbtY&eurl=http://bulletins.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=bulletin.read&authorID=90430004&messageID=6233693960&MyTokeniurl=http://i2.ytimg.com/vi/iG9CE55wbtY/hqdefault.jpg&feature=player_embedded

I'M THIS MANY...

I am This Many ! Two full years of sobriety. Something I've been waiting for since I was, oh, One Year Sober ! As many of us would imagine, I was proud of myself. I had accomplished a larger goal than my first one... to become sober. Sobriety does not come easy, or cheap. It takes time, it costs you friendships, it requires a lifestyle change that, for most good drinkers/drug users, is monumental and miraculous. To have removed from yourself a burden and a disease that WILL, without a shadow of a doubt, kill you. It takes the combined support of family, friends, support groups and God to ensure success. Those fortunate enough to have any combination of these have a fighting chance to survive.


Herein lies the rub. The Human Body can only withstand so much abuse from the drugs and alcohol that, even abstinence cannot stave off the damage that's already been done. The physical ravages of these abuses have an uncanny ability to pop up when they are least appreciated, and most vulnerable... like when celebrating your second year of sobriety. On October 31, the day before my anniversary, I had a Doctor's appointment with my favorite Dr. Ryan. It was a standard 3 month check up, with blood workup.


As the Doctor went through a bunch of numbers & figures, saying things like "Well, your bla bla is good, your bla bla level is normal, your bla bla is a little low, but we want that..." then she turned the page. I could see it in her face... She had bad news. "Well, it looks like your Diabetic for real now. Last time your glucose was 108, which is border line, now it's 138. You're going to have to start taking medication and test your blood sugar." It was about this point where my brain went into "Overload Mode" and it all sounded like noises coming from her mouth, but they weren't words... it was just "nperagz poafrg pono dsgfcw lijnsdf". Then she stopped talking for a second or two (or five minutes, who knows) and then she said "Are You O.K. You have that glazed look." I said "Give me a second... that's a lot to take in" She came over and Hugged me, then sat back down. "We have to send you to the dietitian, and get you trained on how to use the meter to test your blood. I'll let her tell you all about it, O.K ?" I said that would be better. I need to catch my breath. Then she turned the page again, and that look again. "Your Hemoglobin level is low... a little too low. I think you might have another intestinal bleed. Let's get you in and checked on. We'll make an appointment with Gastro." (I see them on the 5th)


...AND ALL ON MY SOBRIETY BIRTHDAY ! ! ! NO FAIR ! It's like having a birthday cake and your stinky little brother blows out your candles right before you try. I'm Mad. I'm mad at the inside of me. I mad that I have to pay the consequences for my own actions. It's all MY fault, but I'm still Mad.

Pensive..... Who, Me ?

Nine days to go before that 2 year Chip and I'm feeling a little... nervous, unquiet, queasy, flighty, uneasy, aflutter, neural, skittish, spooky and anxious. (He Cheated... He used a Thesaurus.) Shut up, Phil. You've been good this whole time... Don't make me get rid of you. I'm not worried or anything. In fact, I'm very comfortable in my sobriety. I do find that I miss some of the "Flavors", believe it or not. A dark "Sipping Rum" and a tasting of some of the nice micro-brews and inported "Specialty" beers. Don't get me wrong. The ONLY thing that will ever pass these lips again is the "Sacramental" wine, just touched to my lips at Church. NO WORRIES, O.K. ?

I Remember...

It was about a year ago and I was going Ape-Shit Crazy, waiting for the month of October to be over. It meant that November 1st was coming, and that is my Sobriety Date... I was going to have one year ! I was So Excited about that ! ONE WHOLE YEAR ! Physically, it wasn't hard to do. I knew that "One More Drunk" could literally kill me. It was Mental and Emotional that were hard.

Mentally, I would think that "Just one won't hurt" Emotionally, when I felt anxiety, "Just one will take the edge off ". If I was bored, "Just one would relax me a little... three would take away the boredom completely" That's how I used to think. NOW... I know one more could kill me, sharpen the edge, and create a false sense of entertainment.

Two years Sober is only 2 weeks away, and I'm still looking forward to it... Just not like I did before. My transplant is on hold, now, so I'm not busting my ass to qualify, make appointments, prove my "worthiness". By quitting drinking and drugging, I'm not getting worse, but I'll never get better. I can become healthier, but never healthy. My goal is no longer a life or death situation. Staying Sober is, but getting sober isn't anymore. I don't know, it's kind of weird.

Regardless, here I am... 2 Years Sober (almost), healthier (mostly), and free from the insanity (actually not even close, but 2 out of three ain't bad). As long as I can keep putting one foot in front of the other, without falling over, I guess I'm in good shape.

I've Got To Be Out Of My Mind

Been a while since I last wrote but I could not pass up the opportunity.

Remember when all the kids on the block stayed outside to play till the streetlights came on. When nothing quenched your thirst better than a drink from the garden hose... Kool-Aid was your daily drink, and soda was a treat. When a "stick" was actually a toy... and G.I. Joe had a "Kung-Fu Grip" and was almost as tall as Barbie. When you would dive over the neighbor's hedges so you wouldn't be "It" in a game of Tag, or climb secretly into them for a game of Hide and Seek ? When they actually HAD Penny Candy at the store and the best house on the block gave away "Bite Size" Candy Bars at Halloween (not those "mini" ones they make now).

This 3 year old little boy remembers all those, and many more. Take a moment to remember... I bet you'll smile !

How do you like the New Boobs !

Since I mentioned them, I thought you deserved to see them, so here they are.  

It took us all morning to drive to Lake Havasu City.  We got there around 9:30 am.  Monica, her 4 yr. old Zane, Zoe and I checked her into the hospital there and then Moni, Zane and I waited... And Waited... Aaaannnddd Waited.  Long story short, we checked out at 5:00 p.m. and drove to my Brother's house, 45 minutes away.  We spent the night there. (Thanks, John!)

When we got up, it was back to Havasu for a follow up with the Dr. and to have the drain tubes removed (Yuk).  Then we drove back to Vegas.

I'm Going to Lake Havasu to Get a Boob Job Tomorrow

I'm going to repeat that... Just because I can. I'm Going to Get a Boob Job Tomorrow ! Now that I have your attention, let me say that, in fact, that's true. One of my friends is having an "Augmentation Procedure". I will be driving her to Lake Havasu City for the procedure. The Dr. says that she shouldn't drive home the following because she'll be sore, and holding the steering wheel for a 2 hr. drive would be uncomfortable.

I just REALLY wanted to write that, though. The thought came to me this evening, in the car, and I laughed out loud at the thought of it. "I'm Going to Lake Havasu to Get a Boob Job Tomorrow"

Retraction

I feel it necessary to properly credit George Carlin with his statistics. My statistics came more from memory and the first Internet article I read. I now have a more reliable source for these statistics. Source: USA Today, June 24, 2008.

14 HBO specials, 23 albums, three best sellers, five audio books, 130 appearances on The Tonight Show, numerous appearances on The Ed Sullivan Show, 16 movies including 1989's Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure and as the voice of flower-power-era VW van in 2006's animated Cars, four-time Grammy recipient and five-time Emmy winner and the first host on Saturday Night Live. He was also a regular headliner in Las Vegas, Atlantic City and was scheduled to be the recipient of the Mark Twain Award this year. He was also the narrator of the Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends.

My Apologies !

Which road did I say to travel ?

I had a recording of an AA speaker, years ago, that I got at one of those "Motivational Speaker" type of events. Of course, I don't remember his name, but many parts of his speech stuck with me. I haven't always followed his advice to a tee, but the general impressions still linger.

He spoke of a time, about 5 yrs. into his sobriety, when he felt kind of "stuck". He had worked his AA program with zeal and ambition, yet it was kind of like the chain fell off the bike, and he was peddling, but going no where. This is one of his stories.

He said that his life was like walking down a path, and coming to a wall... right there in the middle of the path. He looked right and left and saw nothing. There was no way to tell how to get past the wall. He could try to climb over, but it was too high. He could try to dig under, but it was too deep. Being the good, dysfunctional Alcoholic that he was, he just stood there... looking at the wall, doing nothing. The only options were to turn right or left and try to keep going... but which way ?

I've been standing in front of that wall for about a month, now. I have NO IDEA which way to turn. I'm just staring at the wall ! (Duh, Um, What). The moral to HIS story was that we all come to these walls in our lives. What do we choose to do. Our "Will" is to believe that WE know best, turn and go. That usually doesn't work for the alcoholic... after all, it was OUR will that got us here. I need to close my eyes, stretch out my arms and ask God "Which Way", and trust (hard for me) that the right path will make itself clear.

Till then, I'm here, at the wall, waiting patiently for that guidance.

In Memory of the One Man who Always Made Me Laugh

George Carlin was born on May 12, 1937, ("God Winced") and grew up in New York and New Jersey.

The following is directly quoted from the Supreme Court Decision of FEDERAL COMMUNICATIONS COMMISSION, 438 U.S. 726, 98 S.Ct. 3026 (1978).

Mr. Justice STEVENS (delivering the majority opinion)

This case requires that we decide whether the Federal Communications Commission has any power to regulate a radio broadcast that is indecent but not obscene.

A satiric humorist named George Carlin recorded a 12-minute monologue entitled "Filthy Words" before a live audience in a California theater. He began by referring to his thoughts about "the words you couldn't say on the public, ah, airwaves, um, the ones you definitely wouldn't say, ever." He proceeded to list those words and repeat them over and over again in a variety of colloquialisms. The transcript of the recording, which is appended to this opinion, indicates frequent laughter from the audience.

The words of the Carlin monologue are unquestionably "speech" within the meaning of the First Amendment. . . .

Radio Stations throughout the country played the monologue in tribute. He won his first Grammy Award for that album.

He continued his historic rise to fame, becoming one of the most idolized and admired comedian of all time. He's received Grammy, Emmy awards, 2 time New York Times "Best Seller's List", is in the Comedy Hall of Fame and was Roasted by the Friar's Club. He was a regular HBO Special performer, and a Guest on the Tonight show for every host, from Jack Parr to Jay Leno, racking up over 60 appearances.

George Carlin was one of the most influential comedians of our Generation. He died from a Heart Attack Saturday, June 21, 2008. He Died with several years of being Clean & Sober !

Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony

It's the 62 Annual Tony Awards. I've gotten a chill down my spine for each and every performance. I've noticed, from all of the awards shows, and I don't think I've missed a Tony Awards in the last 10 years at least, The Award Winners, be they performers, writers, directors, all of them are genuinely ecstatic to win. They know where they started and are genuinely thankful to every person who helped them get there. Their commitment is stunning, their performances, most 6 nights and matinées on Saturdays & Sundays, are consistent each and every time.

In High School, I was in two, so I've seen a taste of what's involved, and I've seen 8 or 9 professional productions. There's Nothing Quite Like Broadway... and I've never been there. Shame ! I imagine heaven, sometimes, and I think it's a lot like the "Great White Way"... written by Rogers and Hammerstein, Music by Stephen Sondheim, and Directed by Mel Brooks.

It's Not Easy Being Me

It's not that easy being green;
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves.
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold...
or something much more colorful like that.

It's not easy being green.
It seems you blend in with so many other ord'nary things.
And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're
not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water
or stars in the sky.

But green's the color of Spring.
And green can be cool and friendly-like.
And green can be big like an ocean, or important like a mountain,
or tall like a tree.

When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why?
Wonder, I am green and it'll do fine, it's beautiful!
And I think it's what I want to be.

(See, I've moved on already...NOW, I'm Depressed but Accepting it.)

Hello Out There !

Hello Hello Hello ! Is anyone else out there out there out there ? Sometimes it gets lonely in here. All of my friends are gone, or I'm gone from them. My only contact is the occasional e-mail or phone call, and half of it is my own fault because I don't call anyone. Sometimes the background noise in my head can be so deafening that it's no wonder I turned to substance abuse. At least it makes the silence go away.

I'm sitting here at my house on a Friday Night, watching TV by myself because I've got no one else to spend time with, and I should do something about it, but the only people I can be real with are either far away, or have lives of their own. Monica is with her husband, Zoe is out to sea...That's about it. Sure, I have other people I know, but they're not in Vegas, I'm not close to anyone in AA.

Sometimes I feel like the Burgess Merideth character in that Twilight Zone episode, who wanted nothing more than to be left alone to read his books and not be bothered. Then the bomb hit while he was alone in the Library basement vault, and when he came out everyone was dead. Finally, peace and quiet to read all he wanted... and then broke his glasses.

I'm an alcoholic without a drink... Literally, and I don't know what to do with myself. Hello ?

But, then again...

God, in His Infinite Wisdom, WILL work His miracles in little ways, in little, humble lives, that make all the difference in how a man looks at his existence.

I have been sitting on my "Pity Pot" with an "Oh, Woe is Me" attitude because of my transplant list status. Well, (Oh, Man! You know we're in for the melodramatic when he starts to sing) as Frank Sinatra said:

"I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king
I've been up and down and over and out and I know one thing
Each time I find myself layin' flat on my face
I just pick myself up and get back in the race
That's Life !"

Well, That's Life... That's what we make of it. God gives it to us to do with it what we will. We had better do something productive with it. Not many get a second chance. I got a Second Chance. What will I Do?

Sometimes Life's a Bitch !

I'm still trying to wrap my head around this "Not Accepted" on the transplant list thing. I'm still a little confused on how I can qualify, yet be denied.

I understand (I guess) the position that the VA is in. There are only so many donors out there, and so many people who need one. My need is not as great as theirs. On the converse, what's the point in spending the money on someone in their later years (old) who will not have a longer life expectancy with or without the transplant. Yes, there's the selfish reasons, but there's also the logical reasons.

I know someone in my AA group who is a retired medical professional who used to be involved with liver transplant teams. She and I have discussed this, in detail, and she says that in the private sector, I would be the MORE qualified patient. So why is the VA backwards ? That seems to be the thing that baffles me the most. I have proven my ability to adhere to the treatment plan, quit all risk factor activities (i.e. drugs, alcohol and cigarettes), and shown the physical ability to survive an invasive procedure, like a transplant. Why, then, would I not be the candidate worthy of the investment.

They say that God only gives us as much as we can handle. To quote Tevye from "Fiddler on the Roof" . . . "God, I know that we are your 'Chosen People', but couldn't you choose someone else for a change?" The Faith... I have ! The Patience ? ? ?

All Better (kind-a)

Look . . . My Face Healed . . . Mostly ! (insert your own joke here) Phase one of my dental repairs are complete. Now that the torture is done, the swelling and bruising gone, we wait a week and do some minor cosmetic work and build a bridge. There's also a Teeth Cleaning in there somewhere, all courtesy of the VA Dentist they fired. In the long run, I am much better off, dentally, and it has been worth the pain.

Things on the Transplant front have changed DRASTICALLY ! That person in D.C. who needed to sign off on my transplant said that, Technically, I fall within the guidelines for consideration. Unfortunately ( ? ? ? ), I have responded so well to all of the treatment that we have done to keep me alive, (i.e. medication, diet, etc.) that I now only barely meet the guidelines. What this means is that I am now trying to stay healthy long enough to get worse. (Read that again... that's Not a typo) I won't be qualified until I get worse, and the only way to do that is to stay healthy.

When my Transplant Coordinator told me this on the phone, there were several long moments of silence while my brain tried to comprehend all off this. It was like when your computer has to open a program, the "Title" screen comes up, then you hear the hard drive start loading the program. It does that for a moment or two, while you wait, then starts opening the program. Well, my Brain doesn't work as quickly as it used to... so after a few simple questions, I kind of went into stand-by mode and sat for about an hour. That's an hour in "Real Time" not "Brain Time". In Brain Time it was about a day and a half. Emotions came to the top, Logic pushed them back down, Pity Me, Anger, etc. Even ones there are no names for, just feelings. All those emotions...

I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of this. If/When things change, I will be re-assessed. The VA has finally hired a Gastro Dr. so I'll be able to get some new information, maybe in a week or so. Till then, Faith and a Positive Attitude will have to do.

P.S. - Phil is PISSED !

Does this look like a Shoe Print ?

Tuesday, the 14th was Dental Surgery Day. 2 more teeth pulled and some bone ground away so the new bridge can be fit properly.

Now, I don't quite know what this Oral Surgeon meant by "Bridge Preparation", but apparently he used everything but a jack-hammer and dynamite. I was curling my toes back so far, I think I scratched my knee with my toe nails. At one point, I Swear he had his foot on my chest for leverage.

O.K., back to the real world. I have about 20 stitches from where he removed bone from under my gums for the bridges to fit properly. I don't know if they will be anchored or "pop-out" bridges, and there's still some cosmetic work to be done, but the worst of it is OVER !

I'm Sick !

No, Really, I'm sick. It appears that my father has given me this spring flu that is soon to be running rampant throughout the country. Apparently, the Flu Shot that we all got this winter didn't cover the strain of flue, so here I sit, snot rag in hand, drinking TheraFlu and hating life. To think...I have Stage 4 Cirrhosis and I can deal with that... but give me a cold... Sometimes Life Sucks !

I wanted to share an excerpt from a letter I wrote to an old High School friend. There is a couple of repeated "catch phrases" from the previous post, but a slightly new message.

Sometimes it just needs to be said, and kept, for future pondering. This blog is kind of a place for that stuff.

Presented for your consideration:

I was at my VA meeting just last night. It's a discussion group where we kind of pick a topic from something that is going on in someone's life. Some problem they're having, or something good that happened and so on. It's quite a cross section of people... white, black, hispanic, and from all branches of the service. We talk about Alcohol Cocaine, Crack, mostly Alcohol, but whatever. Our only common ground, really, is being in the service, and being sober. Well, Our "Discussion Coordinator", Mike, took a moment last night, in front of the group, to tell me how much of an improvement I've made and how I "Get It". He said that, "in doing HIS job, it's a good feeling to know when someone has accomplished the goal." Now, that's not to say I'm cured. There's no such thing. It's not Alcoholwasum, it's Alcoholism. What he IS saying, though, is that I have taken the "tools" I've been given to stay clean and sober and learned how to use them. So many people struggle with it, but he sees and feels that I've learned not only to "talk the talk" but "walk the walk". It's been a lot of hard work... it's nice to be, not praised, I don't deserve any praise for having an alcohol addiction. It's more acknowledgment that I have made progress.

I hope I'm not being presumptuous with Kudo's for myself, but it's part of my . . . stuff !

I really wasn't still a "Kid" when this show aired, but I've never lost my affinity for cartoons. There was a series that brought back some of the old "Laugh-In" actors as voice talent, Joanne Whorley and Henry Gibson, narrated by Stan Freberg to name a few. (Only us Old Folks know these names) It was called "The Wuzzles".

"Why did you bring THAT up? ", I hear you muttering. Well, it's because of a catch phrase I heard at my AA meeting last night. Some speakers use a lot of them when they speak, and this lady was one of them. Catch phrases are, for example, "Keep it Simple", "If you talk the talk, you had better walk the walk", "One Day at a Time" and so on. Several of these are posted on the wall in the meeting room. Last night's speaker was talking about how, for us Alcoholics, you are NEVER cured... You're a "Recovering Alcoholic", not a "Recovered Alcoholic" That's why the don't call it Alcoholwasim, they call it Alcoholism. I just thought "That is SO profound, I've got to add it to my blog".

Keep on Keeping On !

Well, it's been a year and six months since I last had a drink. I was asked the other day if "I missed it ?" In all honesty, there ARE parts that I do miss.

I miss the "experience" of the taste of a good beer, or a good wine. It's important to know that I didn't drink beer or wine to "get drunk". That was too time consuming and too much liquid. I hear a lot of guys, especially in my VA group, that tell about "a 12 pack to start..." That's Way To Much liquid to get drunk. Perhaps that was my built up tolerance, but I remember in my late 20's having to switch to a harder liquor to get drunk. If I bought beer, it was a chaser for the rum, and the longer I drank, the less chaser and more rum it became.

The "experience" of the taste of a good beer, or a good wine was something I used to enjoy. I once ran the sound system at the entertainment stage at a Beer & Wine Tasting Festival" here in Las Vegas. Little plastic cocktail glassed with 2 or 3 oz. "Tastings" of different micro-brews and independent winery vintages. I enjoyed that tremendously.

I know that those days are gone. That's what normal people do. I am NOT normal people. That part of me doesn't exist. I AM AN ALCOHOLIC . . . that's what I am . . . plain & simple. I can, however, deal with that.

Could this be a book title ?

As usual, some of my e-mail friends are unable to see the attachments to my e-mails, as some of you are unable to see them here.

As usual, sometimes my aspirations are bigger than the law will allow (i.e. Curious Doug...) I imagine the same may hold true for this book title, but let's call it a "working title" for now and, perhaps, I cam actually make it possible in the future.

At the coaxing of one of my cousins, I created this. It was almost more of a proof to me that I could still find and create the artwork, and follow a concept through to fruition. So here is a working concept book cover. I hope you like it.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Dentist

I got a call the other day, from my Dentist. (hmmmm, your Dentist called YOU?) "We would like you to come in and discuss something. (hmmm, WE ?) "How is Friday Afternoon for you ?" Works for me... 1:00 on Friday. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS COULD BE ABOUT ! I've gone through every conceivable scenario in my head to try to figure this out. They want money? - no, the VA covers it. There's been some mix-up and they gave me a wrong medication? - no, it's been a month since I was there last, and I'm fine. W H A T ?

So I get there today and Dr. so-&-so, the Senior Dentist in charge of the office takes me down the hall, through a door, another hall and into an office with a Oak meeting table, Oak Desk, Oak bookshelves and a $500.00 suit and tie guy sitting there (Dr. whats-his-name, MD - Chief of Staff). Also seated is the VA Patient Advocate and the VA Social Services representative. At this point they have me completely confused ! (not hard to do) They introduce themselves and the Chief of Staff says "Dr. so-&-so is going to read something about your case and then we'll discuss it.

To put this, briefly, (hard to do) when they extracted one of my teeth, that was supposed to be bad, they "accidentally" took the wrong one. In boot camp, back in 1980, they pulled my wisdom teeth, but, because of an earlier bicuspid extraction, they left one wisdom tooth so my teeth would shift forward. Well, they didn't shift, they tilted forward. If you LOOK in my mouth you see one thing, and if you look at an X-RAY you see the truth. Got That ?

Well, my current dentist WROTE that he was going to pull teeth x & y, then looked and the pulled y & z. Well they had to go back in the following month and pull x. This means that they made a mistake that could lead to a malpractice suite. They were falling all over themselves, giving me, by law, all of my options. 1) Fix the problems with a partial or bridge. 2) Let me go to a regular dentist for second opinion and pay to have them fix it. 3) Sue the VA and the US Government for Malpractice. I could practically see them sweating. This went on for a good 10 minutes. "Full Disclosure..." "We're sorry !" "... honest mistake", "anything we can do..."

Now comes the weird part. Guess which Doug stepped forward? The SOBER Doug... The Karma Doug... The Christian Doug ! And it was good ! The VA had admitted their mistake, apologized for it and offered to make it right. What more could I possibly want. The Drinking & Drugging and Vengeful Doug never had the chance to stand up and be counted. I said "First, get off your tiptoes and un-clench your butt cheeks" (we actually SAID that). "you've owned up to a non-life-threatening mistake, and offered to make it right... I forgive you - Draft up a plan for indemnity, conditional to your repairing the issue to my satisfaction, and I'll sign it today. It was an honest mistake !" The group then took a collective breath, and everyone smiled.

In retrospect, not only was it the right thing to do, I will benefit in the long run, which was never the point. So remember to always "Do unto others..." and "Pay it Forward" "What's done is done - and for a greater reason that we can comprehend" God truly works in strange and mysterious ways... don't question them, just do what's put in front of you whats put in you and trust, trust, trust"

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

...Robert Frost

No Reason... I just like the Poem

Try to Remember...

(He's gonna sing again)

Try to remember the kind of September,
When life was slow and oh so mellow.
Try to remember the kind of September,
When grass was green and grain was yellow.

Try to remember the kind of September,
When you were a tender and callow fellow.
Try to remember, and if you remember,
Then follow ( follow ) follow ( follow ) follow . . .

Try to remember when life was so tender,
That no one wept except the willow,
Try to remember when life was so tender,
That dreams were kept beside your pillow. . . .

I just got through watching Mel Gibson & Danny Glover in the original "Lethal Weapon" movie. It takes place around the Christmas holidays and the music for the closing credits was "Jingle Bell Rock".

For those few who have known me since my "Karen's Kids" days (a children's song and dance group I worked with for 13 years), I remember EVERY step of the Choreography... Every kick-ball-change... every shimmy-shake... every Pas de bourrée! Do You ?

Just a fleeting memory that made me smile. Take Care, All - Douggie

Perhaps me speaketh in haste...

Well, it appears I may have spoken too soon about this Gastro/Hepatitis thing (See previous blog entry) The bullet I dodged may have ricocheted (Ping, ping ping). I called my Gastro Dr's office to verify my appointment for tomorrow, and they are closed and referring patients to the Health Department for testing... "You will be contacted with further information as appropriate".

As I said before, all of my procedures have been done at UMC Hospital because of my condition, so extra care would have been taken. I, also, just gave 15 vials of blood for my final "Transplant Qualification" to be sent to Washington, so I assume it would have been checked, again, just last month. I feel fairly confident I'm not at risk, but you never know.

P.S. If you can name this Hanna Barberra cartoon character, you are "Toon-Master" and I will send your your certificate when you tell me his name

Finally, I got a break...

For those following the news in Vegas, one of the companies that does medical procedures (endoscopies to be exact, in this case) has been shut down because of a Hepatitis/HIV scare. It seems that, when administering the anesthetic through the IV to sedate the patients, they were not changing the syringe in between patients, and using the "economy-size" bottles of anesthesia. The medication is injected through an IV in the back of your hand, so the possibilities of cross-contamination should be negligible, but this IS Vegas, where everything is a "Crap-Shoot".

Well, someone got caught holding the dice and is looking at a multi-million dollar class action law suit, and one company, with three facilities is responsible. I have already seen 4 Law firms advertising ON TV to represent patients in this suit, and the news only broke on Friday (Today's Monday).

Well Guess What . . . ? NOT MY DOCTOR ! My Gastro Dr. works from the same building, but does all of his procedures as a "Fee Based Procedure" at UMC Hospital, and NOT at his building ! None of his associate Doctor's are involved. FINALLY, Something has NOT gone wrong !

Now I'm frightened ! I never get to dodge the bullet. Is there a shotgun waiting around the corner waiting for me ? I Sure Hope and Pray NOT !

STOP ! ! ! . . . THIEF ! ! !

2 Weeks ago, on my way to an AA meeting, I met with Mom & Dad at a local casino for "Fish Night" (...Fish on Fridays...). As I rushed out to go to the meeting afterwards, I found my (unlocked) had been violated, with all of the seats pushed up and all of the spaces checked. The items that were missing: My nice, fleece jacket (with my cell phone in the pocket) and my book bag with all of my Easter and Church Music, and my Franklin/Covey Day Planner. THAT'S ALL ! My car stereo was still there, a computer printer was still there in the back. Assorted CD's in the visor... still there. $75.00 Sun glasses, and reading glasses... still there !

I guess the thing that makes me the most angry is the things they took were of no use to anyone but me, except the jacket. I reported the phone immediately, and it had not been used at all, and I could see someone wanting the jacket, but my Church Music ? My Day Planner ? (There's no "Identity" related info in the day planner)

Here's the part that has changed about me. Back in the day, I would have cursed (a lot), then drove over to the 7-11 and bought enough alcohol to get "hammered". Then I would have gone back into the casino and made a scene out of it. Then I would have bought more, stronger alcohol, drove around a little, then gone home and bitched till Mom was pissed at me, then lay down and went to sleep, drunk and pissed !

This time, I got pissed and drove to an AA meeting and calmed down, drove down to ask if anyone had turned in the book bag at the casino, drove around the grounds looking for it, then went home and relaxed, called to shut off my phone and then, quietly went to lay down and relax till I fell asleep.

I found that what I DID was a LOT better than what I WOULD have done. I guess you CAN teach an old dog new tricks... Woof !

Life...? Don't talk to me about Life !

Actually, Life has been going O.K. as of late. I was just given my (1st) annual Substance Abuse program Summary Evaluation and I was given an overall attendance of 82% and 15% of the missing were excused, so I really only missed 2 meetings/appointments in a year. In the summary, I got almost all "Excellent" ratings, so this is where I stand, overall:

Psychological - Green Light

Psychiatric - Green Light

Physical - Green Light

Gastro - Green Light - On Hold waiting for VA approval

Veteran's Administration - On Hold waiting for approval

All Systems GO - waiting final approval.

Food, Glorious Food

Good News on the Diabetic Front. (He Over-reacted... AGAIN !) - Here's the word.

I am, as those in denial like to say, "Just Barely" Diabetic. (Those are my Doctor's words, not mine). Considering the fact that I didn't "know" I was being tested for that, it most certainly had something to do with what I had for dinner and desert the night before. We all have gotten used to a meal sized portion of food, looking at the packaging and NOT seeing what the manufacturer is saying.

Example #1: Progresso has a line of "Healthy" canned soup. They are Low Sodium, Reduced Fat and chock full of nutrition for only around 250 calories. The problem is IT'S TWO SERVINGS ! Example #2: One 12 oz. serving of 100% unsweetened Orange Juice = 12 Oranges... can you sit down and eat 12 oranges? How about 1/2 a can of soup?

The moral to this story is... To WATCH what you eat, you really have to READ what you eat. I've been given 3 months before my Dr. resorts to medications... I don't want another pill to take. I'll learn to fix my diet (Tomorrow... we have cheesecake in the fridge)

Bye, Bye, Birdie !

I'm already feeling lonely and she's still in the bathroom getting ready to leave. Zoe is on her way back to Washington, but it looks like she might be coming here to vegas in a year for a 3 year recruiting duty position. That'll be sweet !

We're getting her out the door right now, so I'll write more, later. I Already Miss Her. She's been here 3 weeks, and I've had more than my share of her time, this time, so I'm happy.

I'm going back to bed, now. I'll write more later

I feel a little better now !

It's kind of strange to read something you wrote when you weren't fully there. I guess it's kind of like "Drunk-E-mailing" except this was "In Shock E-mailing".

Obviously, things aren't as bad as my emotions made them out to be. Diabetes is something that is COMPLETELY controllable and, according to my doctor, "If you put in half the effort that you've made to stay sober and drug free, this should be easy".

Now that I have some "non-emotional" perspective on this, it's time to turn the road block "BACK" into a speed bump and move forward again. My doctor gave me 3 months to control this with diet changes. (3 months doesn't sound "Urgent", does it?) I will, therefore, KICK IT'S ASS ! I need to eat more healthy and get more fit before this transplant anyway, so this will force me to do it now.

"Peas Out" and and "Power to the Cauliflower" Y'all !

When Life gives you Lemons, make Lemonade but...

DON'T FORGET THE SUGAR !

My transplant coordinator has done the final work-up to send my "Request for Authorization". I've done all the blood tests, x-rays, (blah, blah. blah). At this point it's basically just some paper pusher checking that all the t's are crossed and i's are dotted. I have fulfilled all of MY requirements. The package is on it's way.

...so, I'm at my regular Doctor's office for my normal 3-month follow-up. She does all of her blood pressure. eyes, ears, nose and throat, breathe iiiiin and out, lay down, squeeze, squeeze, thump, thump, thump (no turn your head and cough... that's a different doctor) We chat a little, she tells me how good I'm doing (and...wait... She didn't tell me how good I'm doing) I look over at her and she has a... not disappointed, but kind of sad look on her face. Suddenly "I" have a kind of frightened feeling, and she tells me "You're Diabetic" Talk about "slap me in the face with a wet fish"

When your world is spinning, it's hard to come up with all the questions, with the exception of "What?" and "Huh, whaa, uummmm... are we sure?" and that part was over. The next part was my doctor saying something like "m0v98a0 oizjfd lmpFUd rei last three blood tests lkmpoi Adf n this is something that we can manage, either with Diet or Medication..." then that part was over. Now it's an appointment with my Nutritionist for the "Diabetic Diet". I've been given three months and then it's medications if I can't manage it with diet.

So wish my vegetable-eating, non-smoking, beef-missing, salt-starved, sugar-free butt "Good Luck" Next thing you know, I'm going to be asked to give up Heroine !

And the beat goes on, and on, and on, and...

Hey, . . . Heart ! It's Me, . . . Phil ! Sorry we haven't spoken in a while. I do get all of your messages... about one every second or so, and I've heard the doctors have been checking on you. Glad to hear you're doing well. Me ? Not so good, I'm afraid. I'm gonna have to leave. I hear my replacement should be along soon, hopefully sometime this year. Just wanted to take a second and thank you for everything you've done, and to tell you I'm sorry for all the stress I put you through. That idiot who lives inside of Skull has really done a number on me. (Brain: I can hear you, you know.) Of course I know... why do you think I said it? It's your fault I'm in this situation in the first place. But, hey, don't get down. You're doing a Great Job at fixing things now. Don't forget that ! We all need to keep doing our jobs so Doug can get better, Right ? Anyway, hang in there everyone, and let's all hope that my replacement shows up soon.