Coming to Terms

I've been thinking about this issue I'm having about loosing my Doctor (Dr. "R" for our purposes here) I finally had an appointment with my New Doctor (Dr. "A") Much to my disappointment, she seems to have turned out to be just like the Doctor I didn't want. A nice enough person, not as attentive as Dr. R, not condescending or judgmental, but I couldn't put a finger on exactly what the difference was. What made Dr. R different ?

I was at my AA meeting last night when it finally came into focus. The difference between Dr. R and ALL of the other Doctors I've had, both VA and private... Dr. R truly CARED about about me. I wasn't just a patient or a statistic. I was a "person" who needed help. I wasn't just that Car that you checked the oil, tire pressure and ran through the car wash once a month. I was that car that you hand washed and waxed, steam cleaned the engine and cleaned and polished the rims and chrome.

Here's how it relates: I needed to see my Dr. because I'm retaining fluid again (something my Bad Liver does) Dr. R would have called and scheduled an Ultrasound for me within a week, two at the most, then a follow-up with her, squeezed in to her schedule within a week. She would have taken 15 min out of her lunch time to see me and refer me to the next step, or told me I was O.K. and adjusted my meds. - Dr. A sent an Ultrasound request through standard channels, never even contacted me about when. I followed up and it's scheduled for 5 weeks from now, and no follow up is scheduled as of yet.

O.K. - Yes, I'm spoiled. Yes - I'm used to having the Best General Practitioner Doctor in the VA system. I've always told other VA patients to "Bear with it, things will happen. I've always had good results" Well, the shoe is on the other foot. I want things to be the way they were. I want the Dr. who saved my life and CARED about me, not just as another patient, but as a person. I want the Dr. who threatened me saying that If I ever drank again She'd Kill Me (Then revive me). I want, I Want, I WANT ! ! ! I want to LIVE, and she was my only guarantee and now she's gone.

I have Lots of people who care. Family, Friends and the like, and don't get me wrong. That's VERY important to me. Without my Parents, my Zoe and Monica, the people who would actually miss me if I were gone, I'd be lost, but without Dr. R, I'd be Dead right now. And now She's gone.

ROAD BLOCK !

To use a phrase coined by the singers "Garfunkle & Oates", "things have taken a Turn for the Douche". This has upset me more than probably anything in the last 4 years of Sobriety. Worse than finding out that I may be Diabetic. Worse than not making the Liver Transplant List. One of the Constants in my ever-changing struggle for Sobriety is GONE !

MY Doctor, Dr. "R", the person whom I have trusted, confided in, relied on for strength and support. MY Doctor, who would greet me with a Hug and send me off with a Hug and an "I Love You". MY Doctor, who said that if I started drinking again and Died, she would revive me so SHE could Kill Me ! MY Doctor, who said that I was one of her Best Success Stories, slipped quietly out of the VA Primary Care System, never to be heard from again.

I don't intend to take this lightly. I owe her my Life... and I never got to say Good-bye and Thank You. Sure, I've told her how I felt about her and thanked her many times. This is different. I can let her go. I understand that jobs come and go. She was horribly over-worked at the Henderson VA because she was so good at what she did. I'm not the only one who will be devastated by her leaving. That doesn't make it any less real for me. I will do my best to find her, to thank her and have "proper closure". I need that for ME.

Greetings, Travelers. Just an update to let you know that Phil and I are still Alive and Well.

Today marks FOUR YEARS, THREE MONTHS, FOURTEEN DAYS without a Drink. Honestly, I can't say without a Drug because I have been prescribed medications for pain (i.e. Tooth & Surgery) (Doug had a hemorrhoid removed and REALLY didn't like that... The Gastro Doctor is a Jerk and never even set up a follow-up) I did not finish the last of my pain meds and they are sitting on the shelf in my closet.

My Sobriety level is "Stable". That's not to say that there's isn't more that I could do, but that I'm "Stable". I have made an effort to become more selfless and have placed my services, regardless of the task, in the hands of my Church Choir Directors. Having helped organize our Choir Christmas Concert, they have seen the talents and willingness to help that I have to offer. I'm waiting for them to take me up on the offer of some "Free Labor"... but I don't do windows !