Pinterest

Pinterest is a Fun and informative Web Site. Joining is by Invitation Only. (I don't know why) If you want to join, e-mail me @ dougcoutts@yahoo.com and I will send you an invitation. I will be posting Pics to my Blog Page so I can link them to Pinterest, so if you see pics without articles, you know why. Here's the first pic.

Coming to Terms

I've been thinking about this issue I'm having about loosing my Doctor (Dr. "R" for our purposes here) I finally had an appointment with my New Doctor (Dr. "A") Much to my disappointment, she seems to have turned out to be just like the Doctor I didn't want. A nice enough person, not as attentive as Dr. R, not condescending or judgmental, but I couldn't put a finger on exactly what the difference was. What made Dr. R different ?

I was at my AA meeting last night when it finally came into focus. The difference between Dr. R and ALL of the other Doctors I've had, both VA and private... Dr. R truly CARED about about me. I wasn't just a patient or a statistic. I was a "person" who needed help. I wasn't just that Car that you checked the oil, tire pressure and ran through the car wash once a month. I was that car that you hand washed and waxed, steam cleaned the engine and cleaned and polished the rims and chrome.

Here's how it relates: I needed to see my Dr. because I'm retaining fluid again (something my Bad Liver does) Dr. R would have called and scheduled an Ultrasound for me within a week, two at the most, then a follow-up with her, squeezed in to her schedule within a week. She would have taken 15 min out of her lunch time to see me and refer me to the next step, or told me I was O.K. and adjusted my meds. - Dr. A sent an Ultrasound request through standard channels, never even contacted me about when. I followed up and it's scheduled for 5 weeks from now, and no follow up is scheduled as of yet.

O.K. - Yes, I'm spoiled. Yes - I'm used to having the Best General Practitioner Doctor in the VA system. I've always told other VA patients to "Bear with it, things will happen. I've always had good results" Well, the shoe is on the other foot. I want things to be the way they were. I want the Dr. who saved my life and CARED about me, not just as another patient, but as a person. I want the Dr. who threatened me saying that If I ever drank again She'd Kill Me (Then revive me). I want, I Want, I WANT ! ! ! I want to LIVE, and she was my only guarantee and now she's gone.

I have Lots of people who care. Family, Friends and the like, and don't get me wrong. That's VERY important to me. Without my Parents, my Zoe and Monica, the people who would actually miss me if I were gone, I'd be lost, but without Dr. R, I'd be Dead right now. And now She's gone.

ROAD BLOCK !

To use a phrase coined by the singers "Garfunkle & Oates", "things have taken a Turn for the Douche". This has upset me more than probably anything in the last 4 years of Sobriety. Worse than finding out that I may be Diabetic. Worse than not making the Liver Transplant List. One of the Constants in my ever-changing struggle for Sobriety is GONE !

MY Doctor, Dr. "R", the person whom I have trusted, confided in, relied on for strength and support. MY Doctor, who would greet me with a Hug and send me off with a Hug and an "I Love You". MY Doctor, who said that if I started drinking again and Died, she would revive me so SHE could Kill Me ! MY Doctor, who said that I was one of her Best Success Stories, slipped quietly out of the VA Primary Care System, never to be heard from again.

I don't intend to take this lightly. I owe her my Life... and I never got to say Good-bye and Thank You. Sure, I've told her how I felt about her and thanked her many times. This is different. I can let her go. I understand that jobs come and go. She was horribly over-worked at the Henderson VA because she was so good at what she did. I'm not the only one who will be devastated by her leaving. That doesn't make it any less real for me. I will do my best to find her, to thank her and have "proper closure". I need that for ME.

Greetings, Travelers. Just an update to let you know that Phil and I are still Alive and Well.

Today marks FOUR YEARS, THREE MONTHS, FOURTEEN DAYS without a Drink. Honestly, I can't say without a Drug because I have been prescribed medications for pain (i.e. Tooth & Surgery) (Doug had a hemorrhoid removed and REALLY didn't like that... The Gastro Doctor is a Jerk and never even set up a follow-up) I did not finish the last of my pain meds and they are sitting on the shelf in my closet.

My Sobriety level is "Stable". That's not to say that there's isn't more that I could do, but that I'm "Stable". I have made an effort to become more selfless and have placed my services, regardless of the task, in the hands of my Church Choir Directors. Having helped organize our Choir Christmas Concert, they have seen the talents and willingness to help that I have to offer. I'm waiting for them to take me up on the offer of some "Free Labor"... but I don't do windows !

If you look to the left side of the plane...

...you will see the beautiful skyline of the Las Vegas Strip. Just to the left of that, there's a little tiny speck, shining in the darkness. In the Grand Scheme of things, it's just one little speck of light, but now that I've pointed it out to you, you notice it more. Look at it and it seems to grow in intensity and now it's noticeable amidst the beautiful backdrop of the Strip. You can't help but see it, now.

THREE YEARS CLEAN & SOBER ! 100%. Not a slip or anything. If you had asked me three years ago, I would have said it was an eternity away. Now that I'm here, damn if it didn't take exactly that long to get here. And you know what? It's not any easier now than it was when I started. Granted, I went through withdrawals in a Coma, so I got to skip that part, and it was 6 months before I could even leave the house by myself, physically, so the temptation wasn't as "In My Face" as most people have. Still, it's the fact that it's a life or death choice for me. I can't afford to take the chance that I have "One Last Drunk" in me. I won't play the Russian Roulette game with that bottle in my hand. But by the Grace of God, I was given a Second Chance on Life, and I'll be Damned if I waste that. With that in my head and in my heart, it's just 362 days till I get another chip... I can wait.

'Tis the Season... Fa-La-La...

(Oh, CRAP ! He's gonna Sing !)

Frosted windowpanes Candles gleaming inside
Painted candy canes on the tree
Santa's on his way He's filled his sleigh with things Things for you and me

It's that time of year, when the world falls in Love
Every Song you hear seems to say,
Merry Christmas, May your New Years Dreams come true
And this song of mine, in three quarter time, wishes you and yours the same thing, too.

It's Christmas time (for Rehearsal Purposes) and my FAVORITE Time of the year. O.K., Call me sappy, but I have always liked Christmas and it's multi-layered message. Aside from it's Liturgical, Religious meanings, which are slightly off in the time of year that they occurred, there's the traditional, Santa, Frosty, Rudolph and the like that the corporate world stuffed down our throats in the 50's, 60's and 70's TV shows. But there's an up-side to that.

We, in America, are suckers for anything with a jingle or catchy tune and even worse when it comes to the feel-good messages and happy endings. Rudolph, Frosty, even the Grinch have that "warm your heart" and "love your fellow man" overtone. Performers like Gene Autry, Burl Ives, Fred Astaire and the unlikely Boris Karloff have become entrenched with their naration of our favorite christmas cartoons, and Natalie Woods in Miracle on 34th Street, and Jimmy Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life embody the goodness in Christmas... and those are just the Classics.

The religious part of Christmas, contraversal as it is, all follows the almost same theme, be it Jewish, Christian, or the other religions, regardless of which time of year they are celebrated or what they're called. At some point, our Maker, in is goodness, chose to send physical form to earth, from the heavens, to show us the path back to the heavens. And, regardless, this is a good thing.

So, Celebrate, as you see fit, but Celebrate, for the Time is New, The New Life Begins, and "... Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night !"

A Man had Fallen into a Hole

A man had fallen into a hole, off the beaten path, in the park. Try as he might, he couldn't climb out of the hole. Eventually, someone appeared at the top of the hole. The man was dressed like a Doctor. The man in the hole asked him for help, so the Doctor wrote him a prescription for some Valium, threw it down the hole and left. Later, another man appeared at the top of the hole. This man was dressed as a Clergyman. The man in the hole asked him for help, so the Clergyman wrote some prayers on a slip of paper, threw it down the hole and left. Then another man appeared at the top of the hole. He was holding the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and a Pocket Bible. The man in the hole asked him for help, so the Alcoholic jumped into the hole. "Why did you jump in the hole. Now how are we going to get out." Without hesitation, the Alcoholic said "Between You, Me, God and these Books, we'll figure something out."

Summer Time in Vegas

This is the Sun. It's surface is called the photosphere. The temperature of the photosphere is about 10,000° Fahrenheit. It's core is under its atmosphere. The temperature at the core, or very middle, of the Sun, is about 27 million° Fahrenheit. That’s pretty hot!

Only slightly less hot is the temperature of the inside of my car, when it's 114˚. Trying to turn on the Air Conditioner in my car, has the effect of trying to cool a Hot Tub with an Ice Cube. Don't get me wrong, It makes a valiant effort, but alas, there's little hope. I guess it's time to get the system serviced. If I'm lucky, my brother still has the gauge/hose assembly to do the job. If not, I fear that I will suffer the fate this summer has in store for me and be Medium Rare by September.!

Hi, Everybody. This is Phil, Doug's Liver, with an update on my condition. As you may know, I'm in charge of the filtering, enzymes, and cholesterol in Doug's blood. We had a visit a few weeks ago with the Gastro Dr., Nutritionist, and Dr. Doctor. Everyone wanted to know how well I'm doing my job.

You may have noticed from my picture at the beginning of this Blog, I look a LOT better than I did when we first started writing. We've been working on that for the past 2 and a half years. The latest report tells us the following information.

Overall, I got an A-. This is GREAT. Since I don't know all of the abbreviations (and neither do most of you), I'll touch on the terms I do know. First is my Diabetes. My A1C (Blood Sugar Index ?) went from 7.2 (Diabetic) to 6.4 (Pre, or in this case, Post-Diabetic). Next is my Cholesterol. I'm not even going to try to explain this... My "Bad Cholesterol" is Very Good. My "Good Cholesterol" is Bad (should be 60-ish, mine's 14) Bottom line... Bad Cholesterol is more important, "Eat some Wheat Germ a couple of times a week" Finally, My Liver Enzymes are low, like 15-20%, but considering my level of liver damage, they are within "Expected Levels" and not a Critical Issue.

So, overall, If Doug would just get off the couch and become a little more active, and gain a little more strength and stamina, All would be Right with the World and we could All Live "Happily Ever After."

To Robin, With Love

I have a myspace account and on it there is this girl I knew, named Robin. She used to live across the street from us in Rowland Heights. She used to be my Sister, Wanda's best friend before Wanda got married and moved. Some years later, we began hanging out together and became the Best of Friends. She eventually started dating my High School friend, Dave (That's a WHOLE OTHER STORY). Then we moved here to Las Vegas and Robin and I lost touch. She eventually moved to Indiana, met a guy and got married.

The point of this story takes an unfortunate turn at this point. A little over 2 years ago I got a call from her. My sister had given her my number and she had called me. We talked for almost two hours. We exchanged stories and e-mail addresses and vowed to keep in touch. I was newly out of the hospital from MY ordeal and still recovering so It was really GREAT to hear from her. I even got her Brother and Niece's e-mails so I could write them. It was kind of like "Old Times". Then came the news.

Her Brother called me one day. "Doug... Sit Down." he said. "Robin passed away last night. We don't know the details, but she hadn't been feeling well for a while." I had already been an emotional "train wreck' since my ordeal and now I felt as if I had just been run over by a bus ! Well it turns out that there were no more details... she had some kind of infection and ... just... Died. Needless to say I was numb for quite a while. I don't "DO" funerals. I Just Don't. (Hell, He's having a hard time writing THIS.) Well, I did, and I shouldn't have. I wept ALL DAY, literally. I'm sure I just made it harder for her family.

Now it gets strange. About 6 months ago, her myspace account appeared as "People You Might Know". I'm sure that I removed it from MY account, but it must still be on her Brother's and it's still active. When I saw her name, I did the only LOGICAL thing I could think of... I wrote her. I felt better and a little less sad when I was done.

It happened again 2 days ago and I wrote her again... just as if she were still here. I'm sure she still is, in some way, and reminds me of it occasionally. It's a good thing. In the hustle and bussel of daily life, we all to often forget those who have gone before us. At least I know she'll be there to greet me when I get there.

Dear when you smiled at me,

I heard a melody
It haunted me from the start
Something inside of me
started a symphony
Zing! Went the strings of my heart



'Twas like a breath of spring,
I heard a robin sing
About a nest set apart
All nature seemed to be
in perfect harmony
Zing! Went the strings of my heart.

Nurse Chapel is not on board the Enterprise

"Los Angeles, January 5: Friends, Family and some ‘Star Trek’ cast members gathered at the Forest Lawn Hollywood to bid a final farewell to actress Majel Barrett Roddenberry. The nurse Christine Chapel of the Star Trek television series died of leukemia at her home in Bel Air on Dec. 18. She was 76."

I must take a moment to say a fond Farewell to one of the most influential people in the world of Science Fiction. The wife of the Late Gene Roddenberry as gone to join the list of celebrities to have passed away this year. She was a very influential part of the creation of the Sci-Fi worlds of her husband, as well as the driving force to keep the franchise running after his passing. She was Nurse Chapel in the original "Star Trek" series, Lwaxana Trio, Mother of Deanna Troi in the "Next Generation" series, and, most memorably and least known, the Voice of the "Computer" in all of the variations of the series. Her Legacy in the Sci-Fi world will be forever burned into our memories. May she join her husband, Gene, in Sub-Space Forever!

Happy Christmas

Christmas time is over, the tree is put away, the new clothing has been washed and put into service and the remnants of Christmas meals and cookies are being eaten as fast as possible before they spoil. Old friends have been visited and/or called with the news of their children still fresh in our minds. It's a time for reflection and hope that the New Year will bring Happy Times for all our loved ones.

It was an exhausting ordeal with shopping and cooking and wrapping and trimming and decorating, but now that it's all over, and we go back to the grind of our daily lives... don't you kind of, sort of wish it wasn't over. Life goes on, though, so it's another year older, another year wiser, another year to wish and hope and dream. Happy New Year !

It's Beginning to look A LOT like Christmas...

Today is the 18th of December in Las Vegas and, for some strange reason, there's white, cold "flake" like things falling from the sky. Someone told me it's called "Snow". Well, out here in the desert, among the cactus and yucca trees, this seems odd, and somewhat pretty. Now it's wet, in the mid 30's and there's almost 10 inches of it. Who's gonna clean this up... it's a mess ?

This Is Brilliant !

One of my friends, a Dance Instructor, Daughter of a High School English Teacher, sent me this. It's Brilliant ! The speaker VERY eloquently explains some of the major problems with our education system, and by example, describes most of my closest friends. This is why creative people are so Odd.

Keeping in mind that I only sent this to my "Creative" friends, I hope you will appreciate the compliment of being called "Odd" once you've watched it. It's a 20 minute speaker at a conference called "TED2006" (Technology, Entertainment, Design), an invitation-only event where the world's leading thinkers and doers gather to find inspiration. (I've never heard of it either.) The speaker is very entertaining and well spoken, worthy of 20 minutes of your time. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iG9CE55wbtY&eurl=http://bulletins.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=bulletin.read&authorID=90430004&messageID=6233693960&MyTokeniurl=http://i2.ytimg.com/vi/iG9CE55wbtY/hqdefault.jpg&feature=player_embedded

I'M THIS MANY...

I am This Many ! Two full years of sobriety. Something I've been waiting for since I was, oh, One Year Sober ! As many of us would imagine, I was proud of myself. I had accomplished a larger goal than my first one... to become sober. Sobriety does not come easy, or cheap. It takes time, it costs you friendships, it requires a lifestyle change that, for most good drinkers/drug users, is monumental and miraculous. To have removed from yourself a burden and a disease that WILL, without a shadow of a doubt, kill you. It takes the combined support of family, friends, support groups and God to ensure success. Those fortunate enough to have any combination of these have a fighting chance to survive.


Herein lies the rub. The Human Body can only withstand so much abuse from the drugs and alcohol that, even abstinence cannot stave off the damage that's already been done. The physical ravages of these abuses have an uncanny ability to pop up when they are least appreciated, and most vulnerable... like when celebrating your second year of sobriety. On October 31, the day before my anniversary, I had a Doctor's appointment with my favorite Dr. Ryan. It was a standard 3 month check up, with blood workup.


As the Doctor went through a bunch of numbers & figures, saying things like "Well, your bla bla is good, your bla bla level is normal, your bla bla is a little low, but we want that..." then she turned the page. I could see it in her face... She had bad news. "Well, it looks like your Diabetic for real now. Last time your glucose was 108, which is border line, now it's 138. You're going to have to start taking medication and test your blood sugar." It was about this point where my brain went into "Overload Mode" and it all sounded like noises coming from her mouth, but they weren't words... it was just "nperagz poafrg pono dsgfcw lijnsdf". Then she stopped talking for a second or two (or five minutes, who knows) and then she said "Are You O.K. You have that glazed look." I said "Give me a second... that's a lot to take in" She came over and Hugged me, then sat back down. "We have to send you to the dietitian, and get you trained on how to use the meter to test your blood. I'll let her tell you all about it, O.K ?" I said that would be better. I need to catch my breath. Then she turned the page again, and that look again. "Your Hemoglobin level is low... a little too low. I think you might have another intestinal bleed. Let's get you in and checked on. We'll make an appointment with Gastro." (I see them on the 5th)


...AND ALL ON MY SOBRIETY BIRTHDAY ! ! ! NO FAIR ! It's like having a birthday cake and your stinky little brother blows out your candles right before you try. I'm Mad. I'm mad at the inside of me. I mad that I have to pay the consequences for my own actions. It's all MY fault, but I'm still Mad.

Pensive..... Who, Me ?

Nine days to go before that 2 year Chip and I'm feeling a little... nervous, unquiet, queasy, flighty, uneasy, aflutter, neural, skittish, spooky and anxious. (He Cheated... He used a Thesaurus.) Shut up, Phil. You've been good this whole time... Don't make me get rid of you. I'm not worried or anything. In fact, I'm very comfortable in my sobriety. I do find that I miss some of the "Flavors", believe it or not. A dark "Sipping Rum" and a tasting of some of the nice micro-brews and inported "Specialty" beers. Don't get me wrong. The ONLY thing that will ever pass these lips again is the "Sacramental" wine, just touched to my lips at Church. NO WORRIES, O.K. ?

I Remember...

It was about a year ago and I was going Ape-Shit Crazy, waiting for the month of October to be over. It meant that November 1st was coming, and that is my Sobriety Date... I was going to have one year ! I was So Excited about that ! ONE WHOLE YEAR ! Physically, it wasn't hard to do. I knew that "One More Drunk" could literally kill me. It was Mental and Emotional that were hard.

Mentally, I would think that "Just one won't hurt" Emotionally, when I felt anxiety, "Just one will take the edge off ". If I was bored, "Just one would relax me a little... three would take away the boredom completely" That's how I used to think. NOW... I know one more could kill me, sharpen the edge, and create a false sense of entertainment.

Two years Sober is only 2 weeks away, and I'm still looking forward to it... Just not like I did before. My transplant is on hold, now, so I'm not busting my ass to qualify, make appointments, prove my "worthiness". By quitting drinking and drugging, I'm not getting worse, but I'll never get better. I can become healthier, but never healthy. My goal is no longer a life or death situation. Staying Sober is, but getting sober isn't anymore. I don't know, it's kind of weird.

Regardless, here I am... 2 Years Sober (almost), healthier (mostly), and free from the insanity (actually not even close, but 2 out of three ain't bad). As long as I can keep putting one foot in front of the other, without falling over, I guess I'm in good shape.

I've Got To Be Out Of My Mind

Been a while since I last wrote but I could not pass up the opportunity.

Remember when all the kids on the block stayed outside to play till the streetlights came on. When nothing quenched your thirst better than a drink from the garden hose... Kool-Aid was your daily drink, and soda was a treat. When a "stick" was actually a toy... and G.I. Joe had a "Kung-Fu Grip" and was almost as tall as Barbie. When you would dive over the neighbor's hedges so you wouldn't be "It" in a game of Tag, or climb secretly into them for a game of Hide and Seek ? When they actually HAD Penny Candy at the store and the best house on the block gave away "Bite Size" Candy Bars at Halloween (not those "mini" ones they make now).

This 3 year old little boy remembers all those, and many more. Take a moment to remember... I bet you'll smile !