Hello Out There !

Hello Hello Hello ! Is anyone else out there out there out there ? Sometimes it gets lonely in here. All of my friends are gone, or I'm gone from them. My only contact is the occasional e-mail or phone call, and half of it is my own fault because I don't call anyone. Sometimes the background noise in my head can be so deafening that it's no wonder I turned to substance abuse. At least it makes the silence go away.

I'm sitting here at my house on a Friday Night, watching TV by myself because I've got no one else to spend time with, and I should do something about it, but the only people I can be real with are either far away, or have lives of their own. Monica is with her husband, Zoe is out to sea...That's about it. Sure, I have other people I know, but they're not in Vegas, I'm not close to anyone in AA.

Sometimes I feel like the Burgess Merideth character in that Twilight Zone episode, who wanted nothing more than to be left alone to read his books and not be bothered. Then the bomb hit while he was alone in the Library basement vault, and when he came out everyone was dead. Finally, peace and quiet to read all he wanted... and then broke his glasses.

I'm an alcoholic without a drink... Literally, and I don't know what to do with myself. Hello ?

But, then again...

God, in His Infinite Wisdom, WILL work His miracles in little ways, in little, humble lives, that make all the difference in how a man looks at his existence.

I have been sitting on my "Pity Pot" with an "Oh, Woe is Me" attitude because of my transplant list status. Well, (Oh, Man! You know we're in for the melodramatic when he starts to sing) as Frank Sinatra said:

"I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king
I've been up and down and over and out and I know one thing
Each time I find myself layin' flat on my face
I just pick myself up and get back in the race
That's Life !"

Well, That's Life... That's what we make of it. God gives it to us to do with it what we will. We had better do something productive with it. Not many get a second chance. I got a Second Chance. What will I Do?

Sometimes Life's a Bitch !

I'm still trying to wrap my head around this "Not Accepted" on the transplant list thing. I'm still a little confused on how I can qualify, yet be denied.

I understand (I guess) the position that the VA is in. There are only so many donors out there, and so many people who need one. My need is not as great as theirs. On the converse, what's the point in spending the money on someone in their later years (old) who will not have a longer life expectancy with or without the transplant. Yes, there's the selfish reasons, but there's also the logical reasons.

I know someone in my AA group who is a retired medical professional who used to be involved with liver transplant teams. She and I have discussed this, in detail, and she says that in the private sector, I would be the MORE qualified patient. So why is the VA backwards ? That seems to be the thing that baffles me the most. I have proven my ability to adhere to the treatment plan, quit all risk factor activities (i.e. drugs, alcohol and cigarettes), and shown the physical ability to survive an invasive procedure, like a transplant. Why, then, would I not be the candidate worthy of the investment.

They say that God only gives us as much as we can handle. To quote Tevye from "Fiddler on the Roof" . . . "God, I know that we are your 'Chosen People', but couldn't you choose someone else for a change?" The Faith... I have ! The Patience ? ? ?

All Better (kind-a)

Look . . . My Face Healed . . . Mostly ! (insert your own joke here) Phase one of my dental repairs are complete. Now that the torture is done, the swelling and bruising gone, we wait a week and do some minor cosmetic work and build a bridge. There's also a Teeth Cleaning in there somewhere, all courtesy of the VA Dentist they fired. In the long run, I am much better off, dentally, and it has been worth the pain.

Things on the Transplant front have changed DRASTICALLY ! That person in D.C. who needed to sign off on my transplant said that, Technically, I fall within the guidelines for consideration. Unfortunately ( ? ? ? ), I have responded so well to all of the treatment that we have done to keep me alive, (i.e. medication, diet, etc.) that I now only barely meet the guidelines. What this means is that I am now trying to stay healthy long enough to get worse. (Read that again... that's Not a typo) I won't be qualified until I get worse, and the only way to do that is to stay healthy.

When my Transplant Coordinator told me this on the phone, there were several long moments of silence while my brain tried to comprehend all off this. It was like when your computer has to open a program, the "Title" screen comes up, then you hear the hard drive start loading the program. It does that for a moment or two, while you wait, then starts opening the program. Well, my Brain doesn't work as quickly as it used to... so after a few simple questions, I kind of went into stand-by mode and sat for about an hour. That's an hour in "Real Time" not "Brain Time". In Brain Time it was about a day and a half. Emotions came to the top, Logic pushed them back down, Pity Me, Anger, etc. Even ones there are no names for, just feelings. All those emotions...

I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of this. If/When things change, I will be re-assessed. The VA has finally hired a Gastro Dr. so I'll be able to get some new information, maybe in a week or so. Till then, Faith and a Positive Attitude will have to do.

P.S. - Phil is PISSED !

Does this look like a Shoe Print ?

Tuesday, the 14th was Dental Surgery Day. 2 more teeth pulled and some bone ground away so the new bridge can be fit properly.

Now, I don't quite know what this Oral Surgeon meant by "Bridge Preparation", but apparently he used everything but a jack-hammer and dynamite. I was curling my toes back so far, I think I scratched my knee with my toe nails. At one point, I Swear he had his foot on my chest for leverage.

O.K., back to the real world. I have about 20 stitches from where he removed bone from under my gums for the bridges to fit properly. I don't know if they will be anchored or "pop-out" bridges, and there's still some cosmetic work to be done, but the worst of it is OVER !

I'm Sick !

No, Really, I'm sick. It appears that my father has given me this spring flu that is soon to be running rampant throughout the country. Apparently, the Flu Shot that we all got this winter didn't cover the strain of flue, so here I sit, snot rag in hand, drinking TheraFlu and hating life. To think...I have Stage 4 Cirrhosis and I can deal with that... but give me a cold... Sometimes Life Sucks !

I wanted to share an excerpt from a letter I wrote to an old High School friend. There is a couple of repeated "catch phrases" from the previous post, but a slightly new message.

Sometimes it just needs to be said, and kept, for future pondering. This blog is kind of a place for that stuff.

Presented for your consideration:

I was at my VA meeting just last night. It's a discussion group where we kind of pick a topic from something that is going on in someone's life. Some problem they're having, or something good that happened and so on. It's quite a cross section of people... white, black, hispanic, and from all branches of the service. We talk about Alcohol Cocaine, Crack, mostly Alcohol, but whatever. Our only common ground, really, is being in the service, and being sober. Well, Our "Discussion Coordinator", Mike, took a moment last night, in front of the group, to tell me how much of an improvement I've made and how I "Get It". He said that, "in doing HIS job, it's a good feeling to know when someone has accomplished the goal." Now, that's not to say I'm cured. There's no such thing. It's not Alcoholwasum, it's Alcoholism. What he IS saying, though, is that I have taken the "tools" I've been given to stay clean and sober and learned how to use them. So many people struggle with it, but he sees and feels that I've learned not only to "talk the talk" but "walk the walk". It's been a lot of hard work... it's nice to be, not praised, I don't deserve any praise for having an alcohol addiction. It's more acknowledgment that I have made progress.

I hope I'm not being presumptuous with Kudo's for myself, but it's part of my . . . stuff !